Why I Stopped Believing in Myself

"The most important thing is that you believe in yourself." 

There it was again. The common phrase rang out as my children watched one of their favorite programs. Few mantras stood out more profoundly in the memories of my adolescence than that. “Believe in yourself and you can do anything.” In fact, I have even spoken on the value of self-esteem. I have sought after self-confidence as an ultimate quality of a mature leader. I have heard it re-iterated incessantly in school programs, leadership seminars, self-help books and even church services. “Believe in yourself and nothing can stand in your way!”

Only, about a year ago, something about this mantra began to ring untrue. I was finishing up an especially challenging three years of cross-cultural ministry in South America, and I was feeling weary of constantly trying to psych myself up. The task ahead was overwhelming, and I was feeling painfully aware of my glaring weaknesses and shortcomings. As a Christian, I was doing all the right things. I was spending time with the Lord, studying God's Word, praying, trying to serve Him; but I was still struggling desperately to find this illusive “confidence” I so longed for. I kept thinking, “If I just believed in myself, that would make all the difference.” Though I had grown by leaps and bounds in my Spanish abilities, I still felt sorely lacking to communicate deeper, more profound truths. Though we had built relationships with local friends, I still felt insecure each time I went to meet with someone. I desperately wanted the encouragement and approval of supervisors, hoping that their words would give me grounds to feel like I was truly making a difference. I felt like I was constantly giving myself one “pep talk” after another. “You can do this! Believe in yourself, Lori! Your Spanish is excellent. You are strong. You are an effective, confident leader!” Only, there was one big problem… it was a façade. All of those words were just empty statements. I had seen the truth in me and knew, more often than not, I was the opposite of what I was saying.

Of course, I would have good days where things would go well. My Spanish flowed naturally, people were responsive to what I was saying, a supervisor would say something encouraging, I felt like God was using me for great things. On days like this, I was on top of the world. I felt confident and sure of myself. I would think to myself, “I can do this!” But, as sure as the sun sets, it would not last. Something would go wrong. I would make a fool of myself in Spanish again or commit some awful cultural faux pas, no one would show up for an event I spent days planning, supervisors were preoccupied with other things, God felt distant, and I would look around and feel as though I had made no impact. I would pray, “God, help me to be more confident. Help me to believe in myself.” Yet, the cycle continued, up and down and up and down over and over again.

It was in this cycle that I began to question, “God, do you really even desire for me believe in myself? Is that truly what I need? Do You want for me to have self-confidence?” I would ask friends for their thoughts and was quickly assured, “Of course God wants for you to believe in yourself, Lori! Why wouldn’t He?” But, did He? Was that His desire for my heart? Was that really what was best for me? Honestly, it was hard to even ask at first. It was so ingrained into what I thought was essential to being a good and effective leader, but for the first time, I began to search.

So, where did I look? I turned to God’s Word. If this was what God desired for me, surely the idea of self-confidence would be affirmed in the Bible. But, do you know what I found in favor of self-confidence or the idea of believing in oneself? Nothing… not one word! I was shocked. How could this be? I’ve grown up in the church. I’ve been a believer for over 20 years. In my quest for knowing God’s heart on this subject I found that His desire was actually quite the opposite of what I had imagined. In fact, in Proverbs 28:26 it says, “Those who trust in themselves are fools, but those who walk in wisdom are kept safe.” He never desired for me to look to myself for confidence. How could I have felt so fully convinced that this was God’s desire for His children? What had happened? What happened was my American culture had permeated into my spiritual beliefs.

In Jeremiah 9:23-24 it tells us, “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness over the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

There was a reason God had not answered my prayer to help me to be self-confident. He had no desire for me to be confident in myself, but He did desire for me to be 100% confident in Him! God never desired for me to trust in myself. As it says in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” There was nothing directing me to believe in myself so I could set out to conquer the world. Instead, it reminded me that He was the one who was in control. It was Him who would work in and through me for His good pleasure. My strength, confidence and security were to be found in Him.

Did this mean that God does not desire for me to be confident? 

Not at all. He just wanted my confidence to be placed in the right person. The honest truth is, I am weak and flawed and even on my very best day, I am sorely lacking. He knew by placing my confidence and trust in my own abilities it would lead me to failure again and again. In fact, believing in myself and my own strength or abilities would only lead to pride and essentially to sin. On the contrary, trusting in God and in His strength and ability to use me would keep my confidence in a place that could not be shaken and would never fail. How freeing is that?!

Believing in myself and my own strength or abilities would only lead to pride and essentially to sin. On the contrary, trusting in God and in His strength and ability to use me would keep my confidence in a place that could not be shaken and would never fail.

In Proverbs alone there are several places where it challenges us to place our trust in Him and not in ourselves. In Proverbs 3:5-6 it says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.” And in Proverbs 3:26 it states, “The LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.” It doesn’t say for me to be confident in myself and I will keep my foot from being caught or to trust in myself with all my heart. No, it says to put my confidence in Him, and He will be the one to accomplish his will.

Realizing that my confidence was never intended to be based in my own strength, ability or skill lifted a tremendous burden from my shoulders and placed it firmly where it belonged, in the Lord’s hand. 

• Instead of putting confidence in my personal charm and ability to build relationships and influence people, I could be confident that He was directing my steps and would help me to see the people He was placing in my path that I might be His hands and feet to them.
• Instead of feeling consumed by my inadequacies, I could rest secure in His ability to show Himself strong where I am weak.
• Instead of placing my worth in how well I met others’ expectations, I could be confident in the fact that He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, yet He calls me His child.
• Instead of convincing myself that my Spanish had to be flawless in order for me to be effective, I could place my confidence in His ability to use me despite my mistakes and shortcomings.
• Instead of placing my confidence in how many positive results I could achieve, I could trust that He is in control and would bring things about in His timing. 

As it says in Proverbs 3:7-8, “Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshing to your bones.”

As someone who has spent many years feeling like I needed to be talented enough or smart enough or charming enough to be confident, these verses felt like a breath of fresh air. Knowing my confidence can  rest secure in Him instead of in me leaves me unshaken. Truth like this truly is healing to my flesh and refreshing to my bones.

Thank you, Lord, that I do not have to look to myself to find my confidence, but I can have the greatest and most secure confidence there is by trusting in You and Your ability to use me as You see fit.

If you are looking for more scriptural examples of where God desires for our confidence and security to lie, here are a few more places to start.

For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead… On Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again. - 2 Corinthians 1: 8b-10

Thus says the LORD: Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhibited salt land.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is in the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” – Jeremiah 17:5-8

It is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. – Philippians 2:13

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and how inscrutable His ways! For who has known the mind of the LORD, or who has been His counselor? Or who has given a gift to Him that He might be repaid? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen. – Romans 11: 33-36

Brothers and sister, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of the world and the despised things – and the things that are not – to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God – that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” – I Corinthians 1:26-31